Isolate for long enough and you will find that old blog from years ago and vent on it. Don't bother reading this post, it was purely therapeutic to get things out that have been keeping me up. A feeble attempt at trying to straighten out my brain and maybe find some light. Hopefully future posts will be of some use for others to read, but this one is not. This is selfishly for me, not for you.
Recently everything has changed, at work and in the world. It has been a stressful time for many and many are not handling it well. It has left me wondering what am I doing, what is my purpose...
Midlife crisis? Perhaps. The though of having to spend another 40 years working and paying taxes while humans destroy each other and this planet sounds like the definition of a living hell. I recently went through a change at work from having a lot of responsibilities and spending the day helping people and solving problems to having no responsibilities and feeling useless. It has been an adjustment to say the least. Not that I liked what I was doing before, I pretty much hated every day, but I at least had a purpose, I was needed, and made a difference. In the end I basically self destructed. I thought this was what I wanted...but it also doesn't seem to be. Less stress, sure, but also no purpose. Whether I am there or not it makes no difference in the world. I get a lot of tasks accomplished but they feel like nothing. I go through the motion but so what. Anyone could do what I do with the same success, and the other staff members do, many with more success. I am average at best. I don't want my legacy to be average. But who gives a shit about my legacy? No one but me. So why be concerned?
But, as the saying goes, that is why it is work, if it was fun it would not be work would it. So the trick is to find something new to live for now that it isn't my job. It has been work for so long, what else is there? How do you find a new passion? What makes you actually want to get out of bed? Doesn't help that I have been battling an illness for the last two weeks and it just doesn't want to let go. In these pandemic times that of course means self-isolating, so no family visits even during the Thanksgiving long weekend, which was hard. It's hard to find something new when you literally feel like doing nothing at all.
New video game? Meh, fun but not enough to get out of bed. A new wood working project? Maybe, but it's been cold out in the garage lately for a sick person, and I don't really have anything that needs to be made. It snowed today so no yard projects. The thought of creating an app sounds tempting, but what need to fill? And every time I pick up the laptop to start trying to learn it again my brain feels tired and nothing sticks. Is that a sign that I just don't really care? Kind of like the thought of running? Sounds good, and I really should do less sitting on my ass and more working this COVID fat off, but when it comes to it I just really could not care less and neither could anyone else.
And in light of all the crap that is happening in the world right now, who gives a shit if I write an app or go for a run. That doesn't help anyone, it doesn't make the world better, it is one hundred percent completely meaningless, so why bother? Which I guess is the main question that keeps me up at night and struggling through the day, why even bother...
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