The Frames - Falling Slowly

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'll paint it black

Games that never amount
To more then themselves
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time, raise your hopeful voice
You had the choice, and you made it now

I DID IT!

Well, I finally sucked it up and went for my first blood test ever yesterday. First of all, I am absolutely terrified of needles! I know, you're like, oh, whatever, needles are nothing. Yes, I realize they are nothing but just the thought of them sends me into a cold sweat. If I wanted to be used to stabbing pieces of metal into my flesh I would have been a heroine addict!

First they sit you in a cubicle (yeah, not even a room). I had an older lady and it went something like this:

Nurse - "How are you today?"
me - "Terrified"
Nurse - "Oh really, no worries, it's just a pinch."
me - "yeah sure"
Nurse - "When was your last blood test?"
me - "Never"
Nurse - "Really?"
me - "Yup"
Nurse - "I don't believe that"
me - "Nope, never had one before"
Nurse - "Are you sure? That's strange"
me (in my head) - "FOR CHRIST SAKES I SAID I NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE!"
me (out loud) - "Yeah, well I guess I'm just lucky"

...and then on with the little pinch. Little pinch my ass. Felt like cutting my arm with a freaking razor blade! If I ever decide to kill myself it will definitely not be with razor blades! Or needles! My arm still hurts. And supposedly that was a good nurse. At least I only have a little bruise. Apparently I'm just being a wuss. Oh well, it's done now. Hopefully never to be repeated. And I didn't cry, puke, or pass out! Yeah for me!

Thriving Ivory - Angels On The Moon

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

...
So don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts
'Bout the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to
When no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends
'Cause I just don't wanna know,
No I don't wanna know
...

Say Anything - I Want To Know Your Plans

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

...
You're what keeps me believing the worlds not gone dead
Strength in my bones, put the words in my head
When they pour out to paper
It's all for you
'Cause that's what you do

No more fighting this is only a waste of our time
Oh 'cause soon we'll be leaving
Will this strength still be mine?

I'll look out for you
till I die, till I rot

Oh I'll remember you
till I die, till I rot
...

RIP Millie

On Sunday I found my cat Millie dead in the middle of the road out front of our place. Right in the middle of the road, soaking wet, and dead. Obviously he had been run over. He was, after all, just a cat, so he probably wasn't paying attention to what he was doing and ran out in front of a vehicle. But still, who leaves a dead animal right in the middle of the road?

They obviously did not stop to check that he was actually dead and not laying there suffering. If they had stopped they would have realized that the cat belonged to someone, probably from the yard that it obviously just came out of and they may have come and told us what had happened. Or at least moved him to the side of the road. But we heard nothing. I found him when I went to go to town to pick up supper. Nice surprise right before we eat.

Millie was the biggest, suckiest baby ever. He cried constantly, unless you were petting him or he was eating. I even saw him cry in his sleep once. This may be because for the first part of his life we thought he was a girl! Thus the name Millie. He was a pain in the ass but I loved him just the same.

So we buried him out back beside Midget. We'll have to make him a cross (Midget too since his has disappeared, but that's a different story). I still have Jaxie, Ali, Frank, and Abi to keep me company, and I think Abi is prego so there will be more, but Millie will never be forgotten. It sure seems quiet around the farm now.

May Long Weekend Fun

For the May long weekend we packed up the quad and headed to the outlaws farm for a family get-together. Some of the other family members also brought their machines. Adam's youngest sister and her fiance just bought a Yamaha side-by-side. It was pretty cool. Plus it could carry a cooler!

We spent Saturday playing in the mud. That was the first time we had ever been stuck. The nice thing about having other people around is that there's someone to put you out! One thing I noticed about the side-by-side is that you tend to get muddier, as Meagan discovered!



Later in the evening we went out and found the perfect water hole to play in. No threat of being stuck in this one even though the water must have been at least 3 feet deep.

Here's a video of us racing through the water.



It was sooo nice to actually have some fun and forget things, even if it was only for a day.

My First Sunburn Of 2009

The sun actually came out long enough on Sunday for me to get a burn. The one thing about my skin is it is either white or red, no tan, so it's not like it will even turn into a nice tan. It will just get dry, peal, and go right back to white, ready to burn all over again.

Adam and I were hanging out in the yard on Sunday when he suggested we go for a "quick tour". I agreed as long as it was quick because I wanted to get some work done in my flower beds. But once we started touring around the hills we found it hard to stop. It was soooo nice out and there was all sorts of wildlife up and about. We ended up being out for a good 1 1/2 hours. Now both of us have bright red arms and faces.

But I will take it. It was so nice to get away from everything for a while.

It's all over but the crying...

And that will be over soon. My cousin died on Sunday afternoon. So now we make the long trek back to St. Albert. At least our hotel has a liquor store in it!

And now I am left wondering who's next...

The Killers

And the decades disappear like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us strength but we still fear what we don't know
The mind is poison

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

Ready To Go

So I have google mapped pretty much everything we will need to know. Bought one auto-fish-feeder but still need to find another. Loaded up the lap top with everything we need (except the maps, still need to save those). Now I just have to pack everything else. I wonder what I will forget.

I am afraid to go. Makes me nervous leaving my home and my animals. I don't like it. I guess I'm kind of a worry-wort. I don't like not knowing what is going on at my house. What if Jaxie gets stuck outside and can't get to her food for three days. What if one of the cats gets run over and I don't find him/her for three days. What if the auto-fish-feeder falls over and the fish don't get food. But I'm afraid not to go. My cousin was in and out of consciousness yesterday so this could be it. But that also makes me not want to go. I am eager to get there but I will have a tough time getting in the car to leave. Oh well, we all must do things that are hard. I guess that's just life.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Surprise! I'm going on a trip...

...to Morinville Alberta! That's right, I'm leaving the province! Yeah for me! We are going over the long weekend. Three whole days away from my animals, that's a big step for me. I hope they will be okay. It'll be the first time being alone for the fish. Hope they don't hate me! (Yes I know I sound like a crazy person. If you know me then you know it is because I am totally crazy! That's why I live in the middle of nowhere and never go anywhere.)


View Larger Map

My family is gathering there because my cousin is in the hospital there. We are taking our new car. And my sister is coming with us. Should be interesting, Adam, me, and Erin all in a car for 6 1/2 hours. I will definitely take the camera.

Happy Birthdays for Everyone!

Well, not for everyone. That's just me exaggerating!

It is my cousin Landon's 22nd Birthday today. Yesterday they moved him from the Tofino Hospital back to a hospital in Edmonton. Everything went well except my uncle and aunt had to pay for a private charter plane to fly them back because neither the BC government or the AB government would help them pay/organize anything to get him home.

The other birthday is my sister tomorrow. Happy Birthday Erin!

My Hair is Still Long

Well, a late March rain/snow storm kept me from getting my hair cut this weekend. I was actually looking forward to it. Oh well, I guess another week of growth won't hurt anything. The weather here has bee super crazy. It rained all day yesterday and then snowed all night and then the wind came and mixed everything together into a big mess.

Speaking of weather, last week a friend of ours participated in "5 Days for the Homeless". 5 of them basically lived like a homeless person to raise money for at risk youth in Saskatoon. It was very cold last week (-36C) and snowy and they slept outside on pieces of cardboard. They raised a tonne of money. Great job guys! Check it out at 5days.ca.

What Would You Say To Cancer

This is an awesome video! You will need sound for it.



I would say "Fuck you". That pretty much sums it up.

What would you say?

Speaking of cancer, I have made an appointment to get my hair cut on Saturday. I am the last volunteer donor to cut their hair. And I am terrified. It has been over a year since the last time I got my hair cut. I am going to look like a total freak. Oh well, I guess it's for a good cause!

Say Hello to my little friends...

We bought a fish tank a little while ago and finally have filled it.

We bought two sucker fish (which are actually catfish but I can't remember the technical name, something like Pseudacanthicus), two tiger oscar cichlids, and two albino tiger oscar cichlids.



Fish are amazingly difficult to take pictures of so here's a short video

It's turning into a regular petting zoo at our farm. But, I wouldn't pet the dog, or any of the cats, or the fish. I guess it's more of a "look but don't touch" zoo. So now come the hard part, naming them. I've never had to name a fish before. I was thinking Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Supper, Sucky, and Sucker but they aren't very creative and may in fact offend some people. So if you have any good fish names (not Nemo!) then let me know. I guess first I really have to figure out how to tell them apart!

And the wait begins...again

I am so very tired of having to do this kind of waiting. I thought that 2009 was going to be different. Apparently I thought wrong. I have done this kind of waiting at home, at school, at work, and at the bedside. Strangely, I think I prefer bedside. At least there you can offer some sort of comfort to the people who need it most. Here, there is just the waiting.

My cousin has had two operations in the last year and a half to remove cancerous tumors from his brain. The operations were almost exactly one year apart. After the first one, everything was going great. He only spent three days in the hospital and then was sent home. Chemo and radiation went well. He was hardly sick at all and was in high spirits. He took everything extremely well, especially for being so young.

Then he had a headache and they found another tumor. That was like November last year. Three days in the hospital and he was sent home to recover, again. Again with radiation and chemo, and again, it all went really well. So well in fact that his whole family (his mom, dad, and younger brother and sister) took a relaxing vacation out to Tofino, BC a couple weeks ago. I received pictures of them surfing and hiking and playing in the water. Then he collapsed and went into a coma. He is now semi-conscious in the Palliative Care Unit in the hospital in Tofino.

So again, I wait for a phone call that I know is coming but hope it never does. Every time the phone rings, there is a sick feeling in my stomach. But I still stay up nights listening for fear I will miss it in my sleep. I pray for peace at an end that I wish would never come. I feel hopeless and helpless about a situation no one can do anything about.

I feel empty and exhausted. Again.

Christmas Crafts

I was pretty busy this year making gifts. I like to make gifts. This first one wasn't actually for Christmas. A friend had a baby boy and I made it for him. This isn't the finished project but you get the picture.

This next one I made for my mother-in-law. It turned out nice a big and warm. I was relatively pleased. It was a relatively easy pattern but it turned out really nice.

This is one that I made for my god-son. I love how the lions mane and the eyes are attached after so they have some definition and it gives him something to feel and grab on to. Plus it's super cute!
This is a dishcloth I made for my mom. I have made quite a few dishcloths but she wanted one that was Christmassy, and this is what she ended up with. Turned out pretty good to me.
And this last one is the blanket I mad my sister. She likes orange. This blanket didn't have as much orange in it as I had hoped but it turned out nice anyway. It was soft and squishy and really warm. Perfect!
Now I need to start on next year. No more leaving it until October to start!

Thanks Dear!

Thanks to my husband for contributing to the cause! Not a bad total so far. Hopefully I will make the $1200 before cutting my hair. That's the goal anyway. I'm hoping to have some stuff to sell to raise money after Christmas. This time of year is so busy that I just don't have time right now, but soon.

Thanks Steve!

Thanks to Steve for making a wonderful contribution to the cause!

This is especially important to me now. A cousin of mine had a cancerous brain tumor about a year ago. They operated and removed it and put him through chemo and radiation. He was to finish his radiation at the end of November because there had been no sign of the tumor returning. On November 22nd the tumor came back and on November 30th they operated again to remove it. Back to square one. He had been clear for so long, we never saw this coming. It's been a devastating blow to the whole family. So now we start praying and waiting all over again.

Thanks to everyone who has donated hair and money! It means so very much to everyone!

Thanks Kim!

Thanks a million Kim for contributing to the cause!

I was reading a blog the other day and came across a link to a website called Gender Analyzer. You put in the link to a blog (or any web site) and it will tell you if it was written by a male or a female. Sounded cool to me so I went to try it out. I started with all the blogs I read and it was correct on every one of them (it was almost wrong on one, written by a man but found to be almost gender neutral). So then I thought I would run mine through. It was like 86% male. Hmmm...that's strange. The last time I checked I was a girl, but I guess I have to check again. I'd like to know what sort of algorithm they use to determine the gender. Maybe that's why I never wear dresses, I'm actually a boy. All these years I never knew. I bet my husband will be very surprised! Oh well, I guess it's not so bad. I write like a boy. Big deal. I also swear like a trucker! Works for me, even if it doesn't for others. They know what they can do with their opinions!